Breakfast For Champions (and not champions)

So last night you met up with a hot new guy. Things were going well, he was funny and charming, you know you looked sexy, one thing led to another, birds and bees had a conference, and voila. You're waking up with his drooling face next to you. Well then.

The morning after can yield almost anything. Maybe you have fallen head over heels for the man of your dreams. Maybe it was just you enjoying a wild one night stand that rocked your recently-celibate world. More often than you'd like perhaps it was that terrible experience you would rather forget, have no intention of telling anyone about and are mildly ashamed to remember. We hope for your sake he wasn't THAT bad.

But regardless of how he was, there's no more polite a way to express your feelings than by making the man breakfast.


For the wild night one night stand: You Rocked My World Bagel Sandwich
Cuz a bagel is round, like the world. Right? Right.


2 large eggs
2 Bagels (any savory flavor will do)
Cheese (cheddar is our top pick, but parmesan is also good)
Bacon or Sausage (your choice)
Mayo
Cholula (or whatever hot sauce you have on hand)

Slice Bagels in half and toast them in whatever contraption you see fit. Take your bacon/sausage and cook it in fry pan on medium-high heat, saving the drippings in the pan for cooking the eggs. Set meat aside once cooked through, lower heat to medium, and add eggs to warm pan. Fry eggs until just cooked, not runny and not over cooked. Flip the eggs real quick just as they're finishing cooking. Once eggs have been flipped, top them with cheese. Spread mayo and cholula on bagel, top with egg and meat and serve.

The spicy and savory deliciousness will set off fireworks in his mouth, much like his performance in your bed last night set you off. Hopefully.


Breakfast for having found Mr. Right: Perfect-Wife Pancakes with Bacon and Scrambled Eggs
You need to set the man straight on how great a catch you are if you plan to keep him around long term.

Pancakes
(As adapted from Allrecipes.com)

1 C all-purpose flour
1 ½ tablespoons white sugar
2 tsp baking powder
½ tsp baking soda
¼ tsp salt
1 C soy milk (or regular milk if that's what you have on hand)
1 egg, lightly beaten
2 tsp vegetable oil
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 tsp almond extract

In a medium bowl, whisk together the flour, sugar, baking powder, baking soda, and salt. In a small bowl, mix the vanilla soy milk, egg, oil, vanilla extract, and almond extract. Pour the soy milk mixture into the bowl with the flour mixture, and whisk together until smooth.
Grease a skillet and heat over medium low heat. Pour about ¼ cup batter onto the heated skillet and cook until bubbly. Flip with a spatula and continue cooking about 1 minute, until golden brown. Repeat with the remaining batter. Keep finished pancakes in the oven (low temp) so they stay warm while you finish the rest.
Serve with real maple syrup and butter

Bacon

1 package thick cut bacon
brown sugar
pepper

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Lay bacon flat on sheet pan and sprinkle with pepper and brown sugar. Bake until desired doneness is achieved.

Scrambled Eggs

4 large eggs
milk, cream, soymilk (choose one)
salt
pepper
1 tsp butter
parmesan cheese

In a bowl scramble raw eggs with a splash of milk type product, salt and pepper to taste, and shredded parmesan. Melt butter in pan, add eggs, and cook over medium low heat, constantly stirring and releasing eggs from pan until cooked almost through. Remove from heat and let sit until fully cooked.

This breakfast will inevitably look like something out of a Martha Stewart catalogue, and he won't be able to stop the swelling of warm fuzzy feelings in his heart. You are a domestic Goddess now.


Breakfast for The Mistake: Prison Food

Burnt Toast

2 slices bread (moldy or stale bread is fine too)
Old butter (or none)

Place 2 slices of bread in toaster and set to highest heat/longest time. Once overcooked, put old butter on it if you happen to have any, and serve to him as you show him to the door. If he protests, claim that was all you had in the house and he needs to leave so you can wash your hair. If you have his number, delete it immediately.